If only, no more
by vaso.caskett
Summary: Based on a tumblr prompt: What if "The Belly of the Beast" happened post "47 seconds"


Hope you like the story.

All mistakes are mine. If anyone is willing to beta for me from now on, please contact me. Thanks :)

* * *

Monday night and here he was; alone in his office pretending to be writing and not thinking of a certain detective.

Ever since he heard her confess, she remembered everything from her shooting, he has withdrawn, found excuse after excuse not to show up at the precinct. At first she tried to change his mind, asked what was so important that would make him miss the case, but his answers every time consisted of one syllable. After the third of fourth time when he yet again declined , she stopped trying to convince him and after that she stopped calling altogether. That's when the boys got into play (her doing?), calling and telling him all about the case he's missed but never asking, not directly anyway, about his absence.

That's when there is a knock on his door and Esposito's voice demanding that he opens, he doesn't know what to make of it. Did she send him to change his mind? That's where they've gotten? Not to confront him herself about something this important but send in the cavalry?

"What's up Espo?" Whoa, watch out you'll stain the carpet with all that mud!"

"Seriously Castle, you haven't seen us for weeks and that's all you've gotta say?

"Espo…. It's not the time to get into this now."

"You are right, it's not the time. You wanna know why I came here though? Why there is mud on my shoes? Huh Castle?" he asks while pushing him further into the house and towards his living room.

"What's your problem? And I don't appreciate your tone!"

"My tone? What's your problem, huh Castle? Leaving without saying anything, finding lame excuses not to come to the precinct! Do you have any idea what that has done to Beckett?"

"Yeah right!" he snorts

"I thought you were on the same page about waiting till she was ready!"

"How did you…?"

"Lanie! She's been with Beckett almost every night trying to figure out what changed, what made you change your mind from one day to the other."

"So what? She sent her minion to come and figure this out? She doesn't have the guts to come herself?"

"Don't even…." He walks aggressively towards him.

"Look, I get the whole big brother thing, but that's between me and her."

"The hell it is! Especially when it's affecting her professional judgement!" he barks.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Today she did THE most stupid thing of her career. She took an undercover assignment with Narcotics, without knowing anything about who she was supposed to be impersonating. No time for background check or anything!"

"I don't like where you are heading with this. Is she okay?"

"If you call being tortured by Vulcan Simmons and dumbed to the woods to be executed, only to be saved at the last moment, by the same person she was impersonating, yeah _fine!_ "

"Tortured?"

"Dunked in ice cold water."

"Vulcan Simmons?"

"One of those coincidences, he made her the moment he saw her."

"Shit!"

"Yeah."

They both collapse on the couch all the fight drained out of them.

"Mud is from the woods?"

"Went to get her once we got her location."

"You didn't even know where she was?"

"She was all alone. The whole thing was a fiasco from the get go. Fauler is getting an earful from Gates and rightly so!"

Castle doesn't talk, doesn't react, he just sits with his face in his hands trying to understand what the heck happened and how he almost lost her once again.

Esposito slaps him on the back to get him back to the present.

"Come on man, I know you want to see her and she would want you there when she wakes."

That startles him, "She is unconscious?"

"Water in her lungs, tortured, dumbed to die, not one of the best feelings. But the doctors said she'll be alright. She'll feel cold but that's something you are both familiar with, huh?" he tries to joke, to break the tension.

"I just wish she'd stop putting herself at risk."

"No offence man, but had you been there, she might have thought twice before accepting. But these last few weeks, she's thrown herself at work, only going home to sleep. Don't know what happened that made you withdraw but she seemed really affected by it."

Castle sighs getting up and heading to the door "She's hurt me Espo… she is not the victim in this scenario."

"Bro…"

"Never mind, let's go!"

* * *

As they approach her hospital room, the first person Castle notices is her dad and he instantly feels ashamed. He'd promised him, he'd look after her not long ago even if it was related to a different case. He is her partner and it's his duty to protect her no matter the circumstances.

They briefly nod to each other before he hears Esposito ask,

"Any change?"

"Nothing so far, but the doctors are optimistic she is just fighting hypothermia. Her lungs are clean." Lanie informs them.

He doesn't dare ask any of the million questions in his head, afraid that someone will say something that will lead to unnecessary drama. This is not the time or place to explain himself to anyone until he has a chance to talk with Beckett first.

Just then the doctor comes out of her room informing them, that her hypothermia is better but she has still to wake up. No one asks anything and the doctor leaves them.

It's then that he finds his voice asking if he can go see her.

"Go on Rick, we've already seen her." Comes her father's permission.

"Thank you!" and without a second glance to anyone he enters her room.

It's not like the last time when she was hooked to machines, now only a thick blanket covers her to fight the cold, but her paper white skin is too much of a reminder. The gush on top of her left eye is another thing he notices and his imagination is running wild with theories of how. He doesn't stay long, doesn't approach her bed further, afraid that she'll wake up and not want him there. But just before he turns around, he heads back towards her, lays a kiss on her forehead while whispering "time to wake up Beckett." And he is heading out.

* * *

When he exits he finds only her father and Esposito waiting, while talking in hushed tone, but he doesn't get the chance to catch any of it since Esposito is handing to her father a piece of paper, nods toward him and leaves.

Now that they are the only two left he feels nervous. Will he blame him for not being there? What has Beckett told him about their status quo? What he can't imagine though, is that he'll approach him, with the same piece of paper Esposito handed him earlier and give it to him.

"Don't know what has happened between you two, and it's none of my business, but this is what they found in the house they were keeping her. It's addressed to you…"

"Sir…"

"Esposito says it doesn't contain any valuable information to them, so here…"

He is numb and it must show on his face considering Jim Beckett's sympathetic face.

"I'm heading to the cafeteria for an hour or so. Take your time with it and keep her company when she wakes up." He commands him.

"Sir, I don't know if she would want me there."

"Nonsense! She didn't leave any letter for me or her other friends. Do you want me to spell it out for you? When she thought she wouldn't make it, you were the one she thought, you were the one she wanted to reach."

"I don't think she didn't thought of you."

"Rick, I've made peace with my daughter, we had our rough patch but now we are great. With you on the other hand… she obviously wanted to clear the air in case…" he stops mid-sentence not being able to finish his thought. That makes Castle move towards him ready to support him, but he just settles a hand on his shoulder.

"Sir, look inside. She is alive and well all things considered. She'll wake up and torture us both in no time!"

It earns him a small smile.

"That girl will age me faster, I'm telling you. It's even worse than that time she took her uncle's motorcycle for a spin just to prove us she could ride one. Her mother almost had a heart attack seeing her on that thing. But you didn't hear that story from me."

Castle is openly laughing glad to have the opportunity to get a glimpse of Beckett's teen years.

"What story?" and they both laugh whatever tension between them gone.

"I'm heading home to grab some of her stuff and I'll be back Rick." He winks at him.

* * *

With her father gone, he is the only one left so he decides to be brave and go be with her in case she needs anything when she wakes up.

He moves the chair closer to her bed, observing her head wound, observing the way she breaths willing her to wake up. When nothing changes he settles back and pulls the letter from his pocket. He doesn't want to read it, especially now that she is alive and well, all things considered, but his curiosity gets the better of him. Does she let him off willing him to move on, does she confess she didn't love him in the first place? What possibly could she say?

" _Dear Rick,_

 _I don't know how much time I have even to write this letter, what I do know is that there might not be another chance to tell you that I love you. It might come off as a surprise to you, especially considering recent events and the way you pulled out of our partnership, but I thought we had an understanding. I don't blame you, you got tired of waiting and that's okay, but if I don't make it, I want to be clear and I don't want you to have any doubts, that our partnership, our friendship is THE greatest thing that has ever happened to me. You are an amazing man and I love you with all of my heart._

 _Always!"_

By the time he reads the ending there are tears in his eyes that soak the letter.

"I do love you!" he hears a hoarse voice and he startles so bad that he drops the letter.

"Kate! Oh thank god! You need anything?"

She shakes her head trying to free her hand from beneath the blanket.

"I just want to tell you again, now that we are both conscious and face to face…" she starts coughing violently.

"Beckett, stop, it can wait."

She shakes her head, "No it can't, maybe I'm too late but I love you."

Castle leans forward placing a gentle kiss to her cheek.

"You are not late. We have plenty of time to clear things out. Get some rest."

"What happened?" she insists.

"You don't remember?"

"I meant why you left the team all of a sudden."

"Kate… I don't think you are in state to be having this conversation."

"I need to know NOW because next time I wake up, you might not be here, again!"

"Beckett… you really need to rest."

"Damn it Castle! Tell me what changed"

"I heard you telling the suspect you remember everything from your shooting."

"Oh…"

"Yeah!"

"So instead of coming to talk to me, you just decided to leave? Is it a switch you can turn off that easily Castle or you forgot about our conversation on the swings?"

"For all I know you could have changed your mind. We never talked about it again!"

"That's your argument? That we didn't bring it up again? What about the saying _actions speak louder than words?_ Why else would I come to your mother's play or dinner at your place after the bank?"

"Sometimes it's nice to hear the words."

"Seriously Castle, it's another thing to want to hear it and another to jump to conclusions."

She starts coughing violently forcing Castle to abandon their conversation and call the doctor. When they enter her room he tries to step back to allow them to work on her, but she calls for him.

"I'll be right outside, I promise!" he tries to sooth her.

He steps outside trying to make sense of the situation. Not only was he wrong, but from her reaction she really wants this. Why would she hide that she remembered though? What was she afraid?

When the doctor leaves her room she is exhausted and ready to fall asleep, but not before she clears the air with Castle.

"Castle… I messed this up I know, but I'd really like another chance."

"All you had to do was ask, Beckett. Now get some rest."

"You'll be here?"

"Always!"

* * *

He stays with her the whole day but they are not able to talk further. Her room is full of activity, first Lanie, then the guys, her dad even Captain Gates made an appearance, so he just sits there talking and trying to learn everything from the cases he's missed. Finally the doctor comes in baring the good news, she can go home, not that she would take no for an answer anyway.

They all let her get ready for release with the promise that they'll visit her at home so now it's just Castle, her dad and her left in the room.

"You want me to stay with you, Katie?"

"Dad no, I'll be fine. I know you have to prepare for the trial against that financial firm."

"I can prepare at your place. No big deal."

"I'll be fine, besides I've been over the whole hypothermia before, I know what to do."

The look she shares with Castle isn't lost on her dad.

"Do I want to know the details of that one?"

"Better not." She laughs. "Did you bring my clothes or I'll have to leave in this robe?"

"I'd be game!" comes out of his mouth all too quickly not able to sensor himself in front of her dad. "I mean… the coat would cover most of it…"

Her dad is laughing and she seems amused.

"I think it's best you stopped talking now Castle." She smirks.

"Yeah I'll leave you to it."

"Wait! Ehm, dad, can you excuse us for a minute?"

"Sure Katie, I'll go take care of paperwork."

She tries to leave the bed, the moment the door closes behind Jim.

She is a bit dizzy and her head hurts but she sits up anyway.

"You need any help?"

"No I'm good. Just come here."

When he is right in front of her, she gets a hold of his hands and gets up.

He can't help but reach a tentative hand on her forehead to feel the abused skin.

"Cuts from the ice in the bathtub." She tells him.

"Hurts?"

"Not really, just a slight headache." She stops. "Castle I know we have a lot to talk about and I'd understand if you want more time and I'm in no place to make demands right now, but I need you to tell me if it's too late."

"Kate… I can't deny I was hurt when I listened to your confession. Imagine how I felt when I heard you telling a complete stranger you remembered everything but you couldn't tell me. But… if this close call made me realize something is that I can't or will I be able to live with myself if something happens next time and I'll have to wonder what it would have been like. So yeah, we have a lot to talk about, but I think it's time we start talking about them together!"

Her smile is unlike anything he's seen before.

"I'm so sorry Castle, I'm so sorry! I thought I was doing you a favor, waiting till I was healed and ready but if you still want it I'm ready, I'm SO ready! No more close calls, on more if only."

She falls into his arms sharing a hug they both needed. When they pull apart she is the one leaning back in, while threading her fingers in his hair tagging him towards her.

"You okay with this?"

"More than." And he is the one closing the remaining distance.

It was not ideal, they went through a lot of heartache to get there, but this was the start of their _Always_!


End file.
